Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
