She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
