I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
