i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
