He disabled his match.com account in front of me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize