WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
