I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
