I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
