I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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