So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you didnt know i had herpes?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
