i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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