dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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