It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize