Cold hands, warm shart.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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