I heard we made out
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
