Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
