You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
