You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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