Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
