sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
