My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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