we're chasing vodka with high fives
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
