Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
