A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize