The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
