If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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