Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
