I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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