btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
