I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
