Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
