yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I would fuck him just for his dog
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
