anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
