They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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