I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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