last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
