Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
