i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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