Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
