On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
