I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize