dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
