it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
