She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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