I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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