If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
