May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize