Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
