there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
