I wish I could teleport
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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