Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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