Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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