yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
