If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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