You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
