8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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