every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
