i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
