i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
4 words: hood of his car
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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